


Notte Stellata

by DreamingOf4A



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Brief sort of mention of suicidal thoughts, F/M, Fantasy on Ice 2018, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not really a romantic story, Revelations, Talking, brief mentions of sex, talk of injuries, talk of retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 16:31:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16998564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingOf4A/pseuds/DreamingOf4A
Summary: Javi and Yuzu talk in one night more than they did in 6 years.





	Notte Stellata

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: The chances you will cry reading this are really high. Though it's not really angst... There are also funny moments and sweet moments, but also really sad moments.
> 
> I actually started writing this some time back, but hadn't finished it. It was finished under the influence of Brian's recent revealing of Yuzu missing Javi. I thought everyone was crying anyway, so I wouldn't feel that bad about making them cry some more >_>
> 
> There's a reference to Yuzu's 'controversial' speech at the end of Continues. Everything related to that is just speculation on my part. It just didn't seem right for them to pretend that didn't happen while having such a heart to heart talk.

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

Although the dinner with the whole cast and crew of Fantasy on Ice was great, Javier Fernandez wanted a few minutes of quiet.

Luckily, the location was ideal for that.

The traditional hotel they were staying at was in the middle of nature, with no trace of the hustle and bustle of cities.

He took a deep breath as he stepped onto the porch and put on a pair of outdoor slippers, before taking a step outside.

There, he stopped, though.

A figure in all black was dancing in the moonlight.

No, not dancing, image training.

He smiled to himself.

It was no surprise the double Olympic Champion managed to sneak away from the social event to get some alone time and do some practice in the same time.

Sitting back on the porch, Javi watched him.

Yuzuru had his earphones in, phone poking out of a pocket in his pants. That explained why he hadn’t heard Javi.

Frowning, Javi realized Yuzu was not practicing his exhibition number. Nor one of his new programs for next year. Not that Javi had seen them. But he had seen what Yuzu was practicing more than a few times.

How appropriate.

Notte Stellata under the starry sky.

As Yuzu leaped into a delayed axel, wet grass proved more slippery than ice and the champion found himself on his ass.

It was so incongruous with the elegant, graceful program and Yuzu seemed so stunned that Javi burst out laughing.

“Ja-Javi!”

“Oh my God, I wish I had taken a picture! The look on your face as you landed on your ass!!!”

Yuzu pouted fiercely as he got up and tried to dust off mud from his pants, only resulting in spreading it further.

“Stop that, you’ll ruin them! Come here.” Javi said, still chuckling.

He reached for the packet of tissues in his pocket - he always kept one in every pair of pants, just in case he got near a rink with them - and as he made Yuzu turn around, used tissues to get most of the mud off of the other’s pants.

Javi chuckled to himself as he imagined what they’d look like if someone came over now. 

Javi’s hands all over Yuzu’s ass. 

Fans would have a blast.

Giving said shapely behind a not so light pat, Javi sat back.

“Done, as much as possible. They’ll still need washing, but try to get more of the mud off in the morning, when it’s dried. Though well, your mother should know better.”

“Thank you.” Yuzu said as he carefully sat next to Javi. He was blushing slightly and Javi wondered if it was from the accidental petting. Yuzu was somewhat touchy feely for a Japanese, but Javi doubted he often had his ass touched that much.

“No problem. Are you ok? The ground looked pretty soft, so I didn’t think you hurt yourself, but…”

“No, I’m ok. Just pride hurt.”

“Your butt must hurt a bit, too?”

“No, butt is good…”

“Oh is it? Did it enjoy the cleaning?” Javi teased.

Yuzu definitely blushed then.

“It did, yes.”

Javi laughed.

“Nothing wrong with that.”

Yuzu smiled as well.

They sat together in silence for a few minutes.

“That was Notte Stellata, right?” Javi asked eventually.

Yuzu turned to him, appearing surprised.

“Yes...”

“Don’t look so surprised. I recognize your programs. And I particularly recognize that one.”

“Why?”

“It’s… different.”

“Hmm…”

“I like it a lot. It’s like a different side of you. It also really shows off the skills that Brian and Tracy have helped polish. With David’s touch as well.”

Yuzu smiled.

“Really happy you like! You never say that before.”

“Well, I didn’t really get the chance. But I do like it. Are you going to skate that tomorrow?”

“No. Tomorrow still Haru yo, koi. But skate next week in Sendai. For TV show.”

“Ah, I see. What TV show? I did a few this year, too…” Javi chuckled.

“All Javi shows on TBS, right? I do Nihon TV. 24H TV. Is charity show. Did every year since Sochi.”

“Aha… and what do you do?”

“Well… they have… emotion stories… sad but with lesson… or hope or… first year, I do topic of earthquake and tsunami. I visit damaged area and then skate for victims. Second year also earthquake, visit damaged area in Fukushima and skate for them. Third year was Kumamoto earthquake, so skate with skaters from Kumamoto. Last year is different. Meet boy skater with asthma and skate for him, to encourage. And this year I visit people from Fukushima again, then do ice show at Ice Rink Sendai, with kids there and Disney on Ice.”

“Wow… that sounds really cool!”

“Javi meet fan skater, too, right?”

“Yes, in one of the shows, there was a young girl. She started crying and I couldn’t believe it. I’ve seen lots of people cry when you walk into a room, but nobody has ever cried upon seeing me.”

“I’m sure they do, you just don’t know. But that was very cool, too!”

“If you say so…” Javi smiled. Then, after a few moments of silence: “Why Notte Stellata, though?”

“Hmm?”

“For the charity show. You said it’s related to the earthquake and tsunami again, so why Notte Stellata, which is a love song?”

“Ah… for me, Notte Stellata always about earthquake.”

“Eh?!”

“When I was… how do you say… when home was… can't live there, walls down and dangerous… because no electricity, stars really bright and beautiful. Is like… even with all destruction and death, still something beautiful exists.”

“Hmmm… I see…”

“So when hear what Notte Stellata mean, I think is perfect. Yes, is love song, but can be love song to Sendai, to Tohoku, to people there, too. Doesn’t must be about lovers.”

“You’re right… most people, when they think love, they think lovers, but love comes in many shapes and sizes. It’s so like you to find a love of your own to interpret the song in a truly unique way.”

Yuzu blushed and smiled.

“You know… I think we’ve talked more this evening than over the past year…”

“Yeah… sorry…”

“Don’t say sorry. We were both focused on the Olympics, it’s only natural.”

“Yes, but… sorry for other time, too. Javi always be friendly and want chat and go out and I always say no or keep distance…”

“Oh… well, it’s fine. That’s just who you are, right? Can’t be helped. I’ve understood and accepted that long ago.”

“... I still want explain… if Javi want, too…”

“Uhm… sure, go ahead, if you want to…”

Yuzu sighed deeply.

“I go to Toronto to train. Is like… go to school to learn. Not play or have fun. Some fun is ok, but not much…”

“You know, I get that, but… even Brian thought you needed to go out a bit and relax. You were too intense.”

“I know. But… it feel bad…”

“What?”

“Have fun. Try go out with Javi and have too much fun, feel bad.”

“Why?”

“Because… Javi probably don’t understand, but…”

“Well you never really explained it to me…”

“Ok… want me start from beginning?”

“Please do, since you’re at it.”

“You know when earthquake happen I practice in Sendai.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Later I see bit of ceiling fall right where I stood. Was very lucky.”

“... wow… ok...”

“Stay in school for 4 days, then go home. Week later, mother send me to Yokohama to practice. I don’t want go.”

“Why not?”

“Mother, father, sister, all help clean up home and help grandparents and neighbours. Everyone work hard. Only I run away. Like coward.”

“You’re not a coward! It made sense for you to continue your practice and it was only natural to be afraid! Hell, I was on the other side of the country and I was terrified out of my mind!”

Yuzu turned to look at Javi.

“But Javi don’t belong here. Is natural to want get away. But Sendai is home. If something happen in Spain, do you run away?”

“I don’t know what I would do. I would want to, because it’s human nature to want to get away from disaster. But even if I had to go away, my heart would stay with my people and my land. And whatever else I would do, I would do with them in my mind and in my heart. Which is exactly what you did.”

“Yes. I did. For 7 year, everything I do is with them in mind and heart. That’s why fun feels wrong. Be away, be fine when Japan, when Tohoku suffer, feel wrong.”

“Yuzu…”

“I know. I take psychology for University so I know. I have guilt and trauma. Should get therapy for. But… my trauma not as big as other. If I get therapy it feel… disrespectful to people with big trauma.”

“You know… I was talking to Miki about panic attacks once. And she told me that in Japan things like that tend to be ignored. And actually therapy for mental issues is very much taboo.”

“Yes. But that not why I don’t want…”

“I know. If you studied psychology, I’m sure you understand the importance of it. But maybe if you did it and spoke up a bit it would help destroy the taboo. Maybe more people would start thinking maybe they should do it, too.”

“... That… I think of that…”

“You do, huh?”

Yuzu shrugged very matter-of-factly.

“I don’t lie. I know I am very popular in Japan. I don’t understand why and I don’t really like it much, but I know it.”

“So why don’t you?”

“Now… I’m scared.”

“Scared?”

“Yes.”

“Since when do you have fears you don’t face?”

Yuzu snickered.

“Is not that. Is just… timing.”

“Timing?”

“I know staff tell you about award I get Monday.”

“Yes…”

“I don’t think they tell many people oppose.”

“Did they? I always got the impression you were universally loved in Japan…”

“Oh, no. Many people hate. They believe or spread bad stories. Many think I never affect by earthquake and only use it to get famous. Get pity and get famous.”

“What?!”

“It hurt first… now… I got used… they just mean people, don’t care for truth. But if I do therapy, they just say more bad things. What I say, no matter to them. They still say bad things, worse things.”

“That… how can people say that stuff?!”

“I don’t know. I don’t know why they start say that…”

“Is that… is that why you said… that? At Continues?”

“Ah, that… no… I… hmmm… when people say bad things about me, I feel bad. Sad, upset. But is fine. But when people upset friends or people I know, because of me, then I feel very, very bad.”

“That bad? But it’s not your fault!”

Yuzu shrugged.

“You know, some year ago, Japan media write about high school classmate. Say we get married. First we ignore. Federation said it go away. But then girl contact me. She say media always after her and ask her question and fans find her, too, and she get stalked. And fans be really mean to her, because they think we date, because I don’t say we don’t. She so upset, she say why I don’t tell the truth. And that she wish she never meet me.”

“Ah, shit… were you really dating?”

“No. I never date. She was just nice classmate then. Give me notebooks when was away or tell me homework over email. She help a lot to keep up when away for competition or after move to Canada. I think she actually have boyfriend, or maybe engaged. I think they breakup because of that.”

“Then the guy’s an ass, if he believed stupid rumors over her!”

“Maybe. But it all happen because I don’t deny. Because ignore is easier for me.”

“So, more guilt. Did you ever actually do something, or?”

“No. Just sometime get very re… reck… how do you say? Like crazy?”

“Reckless?”

“Yes, that. I get very reckless. Jump a lot, skate with injury, ignore concussion or possible concussion, skate with infection, sometime forget inhaler, but don’t go back to get it. Feel a bit like… I should do this and if I can’t and it kills me, then is fine, because not enough.”

“That’s crazy. What about your mother or your family at home or everyone at the club? Did you think how they’d react if something happened to you?”

“I know they hurt. I hate that. But I also think in time is good. Mother can go back to Sendai and family can be together. And club continue. I take full responsibility, so Brian or Tracy no need feel guilty.”

Javi frowned.

“Do you still think or feel like that? I mean, you still seem pretty convinced about your reasons…”

Yuzu smiled briefly.

“No. Then I am caught between guilt and needing to win. Anything, always. Prefer death over loss at times. I see little else. Sochi made it worse. Because I win, but is very poor win and many think I steal from Patrick. I feel I don’t deserve win. So must work harder to deserve. Even Brian say: ‘Well, a win is a win.’ Then it feel like he thinks I don’t deserve, too. So then, life not much fun.”

“And now?”

“Now. Now I enjoy life. After win in Pyeongchang it was like…” Yuzu took a deep breath and let it out slowly, a drawn out sigh of relief. “It feels like no more clouds. First time I can remember, I feel I can breathe like this. Deep. Like even my lungs cured.” he chuckled. “Now, I am really happy. Happy to live.”

Javi had to smile that.

“I’m really glad to hear that! You got me worried a bit…”

“Sorry! But now we both happy, right? You’re happy, too? Back in Madrid, with family, with girlfriend…”

Javi noticed Yuzu sounded a bit wistful and filed that for asking later. For now, he smiled.

“I am happy. It is a bit weird, not having to worry about the season, not being nervous about Grand Prix assignments and so on. I also wondered if I’d get bored, not having to train. But I think my schedule is fuller now than it was before!”

“You seem really, really busy…”

“Yeah… I’ll get to relax a bit after I get home, but then I have some commercials to film. In August, I promised I’m going to Brian’s show in Muskoka and got him to lend me his cabin for a week around then, too. I’ll probably take Marina along and enjoy a nice holiday there. Then there’s an ice show in Italy with Evgeni, Stars on Ice in China, Japan Open… and then I have to finish up preparations for Revolution. And then it’s the end of the year and I’ll have to come crash your party and see if I have any chance of winning another European…”

“You can. But practice sounds little…”

“Yeah… I will continue skating and practicing in Spain, but… it won’t be easy. Misha and Dimitri definitely won’t be sitting around, waiting for an old man to steal the title from under their noses!”

“You are not old man!”

“In Figure Skating terms, I am.”

“Hmm… I hear rumor… but Javi can’t tell anyone!”

“Yuzu, you gossip!”

Yuzu glared at him.

“You want know or not?”

“Sorry, sorry. What is it?”

“Daisuke is planning comeback.”

“Daisuke?”

“Takahashi.”

“Taka… WHAT???”

“Shhh! Apparently announce tomorrow.”

“Wha… seriously?!”

“Yeah. He’s older than Javi! Maybe you change mind…”

Javi was quiet for a moment, then sighed.

“Is that why you told me about this? Yuzu, Daisuke didn’t really get to leave figure skating on his own terms. He retired because of his knee injury, right? So he still has some unfinished business. I don’t. I’d rather retire now than end up… like Patrick, for example. He was THE champion, but ended up retiring after not even making the podium at the Olympics. He’s my friend, but I really don’t want to end up like that!”

Yuzu sighed and looked away.

“I know…”

“Hey, what’s that face? You said you’re happy!”

“I am. But happy is never 100%. There still a bit sad.”

“Like what?”

“Like… how I miss Javi…”

“I’m literally right next to you!”

“Yes, but that not it. I… I’m scared of start preparation new season…”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not there. And I don’t know if I can do it without you.”

“Don’t be silly. Of course you can. Remember last season when we mostly trained apart? It’s kind of like that only apart isn’t just different rinks, but different continents.” Javi said, going for a lighthearted tone.

“But I miss last season, too…”

“What? Yuzu…”

Yuzu shrugged.

“I understand why Brian say is good. And I know Javi think is good, too. And was ok. But I did miss you. Think about next season, like that, only worse, I just think I miss more.”

“I… see… “

“Sorry.”

“What? Why?”

“You uncomfortable, no?”

“I… no, it’s just… I had no idea…”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“I know since Continue.”

“You lost me…”

“I know you don’t understand how important to me.”

“How important to you what?”

“You are. Very important.”

“Uhm… what?”

Yuzu sighed and frowned, possibly cursing his limited vocabulary.

“You are very important. Can’t be two time Olympic Champion without Javi. You are most important, with coaches and choreo.”

“Yuzu… you’re seriously overstating my part in this!”

“No. I know. But you don’t understand. Don’t believe. But is ok. Not really matter anymore, anyway.”

“... What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Now we meet in Toronto when Javi practice for Euro. But then Javi retire, so no reason come to Toronto? We meet at ice show, which is nice. But never need to talk about uncomfortable things. So is good. Right?”

“I really don’t understand what you’re saying… also, whatever it is you’re saying, I sound a bit like an asshole in it.”

“What? No! I…”

“Look, Yuzu. I will probably continue coming to Toronto now and then. Even if I only do ice shows, I’ll need new programs and I like working with David and probably will work with Sandra again, too. It’d be stupid to ask them to travel to Spain, when I’ll probably have more spare time than them. So you’re not getting rid of me that easily!”

“I don’t…”

Javi interrupted again.

“And then, I’ve always wanted to be friends. You’re the one who always kept a distance and I got it. It took a while but I got it. That’s just how you are. Keiji told me once. That you never hang out with them, either, but you’re still friends. So I guess it’s like that for us, too. But you, know, Yuzu, friends don’t only talk about not uncomfortable things. They talk about uncomfortable things and they deal with them together. So don’t make it sound like I’d be happier never discussing uncomfortable things with you, because that’s not true. Ok?”

Yuzu looked down, hands tightly clasped in his lap.

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok. Now, please explain to me what exactly these “uncomfortable things” are.”

“Well… Javi is really nice, so if you know things you do upset, then you feel bad. I don’t want you feel bad.”

“Things I do upset you?”

Yuzu was quiet, so Javi sighed.

“Like what? Like deciding to retire? I’m really sorry it upsets you, but, it’s really not about you and I can’t make it about you.”

“I know.”

“And I’m sure you won’t even notice I’m gone when things get going. You’ve always had such tunnel vision in your focus, I always thought you didn’t even register who was around you.”

Yuzu shook his head, but said nothing.

“You’ll be fine, Yuzu. Trust me.”

Yuzu took a deep breath and then let it out.

“Yeah.” he said, then stood up. “Is late. I should go sleep.” he said, turning to head back in. 

He only got to take one step, before Javi called out to him.

“I can’t believe it! Yuzuru Hanyu is running away from me!” he exclaimed theatrically.

Yuzu didn’t react beyond stopping.

“I guess in the end, you’re the one who didn’t want to discuss ‘uncomfortable things’. Since you just gave up and ran away, instead of actually talking.”

“You know I can’t really talk in English.”

“And yet we are talking in English. And have been for over an hour now, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Yuzu growled and stormed back to stand above Javi.

“Fine! You want know all ugly truth? All uncomfortable things? Fine, I tell you! I don’t want Javi retire and I know is stupid and selfish, so I don’t want say. I afraid of practice without Javi. Maybe you think is stupid. People think stupid. Maybe is stupid. But I fear. I always know Javi want retire after Olympics. But thought we do Worlds together too. Also thought maybe Javi do small events. Come to Autumn Classic and beat me again. And then… always thought Javi accept Brian offer and coach at Cricket Club. But no. Javi last competition with me is Olympics. And move to Spain quick and no plan to coach in Toronto. I dream sometime of sit in Kiss and Cry with Brian and Javi. But that just dream. Then Javi don’t come to Continues. Go to every ice show, every event, but not my event. I still make Javi wake up early on birthday skate for me. But I think maybe Javi sick of my cling. Like at Olympics. Man don’t like other man cry like that on him. I think Javi too nice to tell me stop, so easier to stay away. When I think that, I sorry I say yes to all Fantasy. And Heroes. All with Javi. But can’t say no, so do. But decide not bother Javi much. And stop cling. Not make Javi uncomfortable. But now even that is bad, so not know what to do. I think if I just stay away and shut up until Fantasy is over, is enough. But you make me say… no. You don’t. I say… ah, k’so!”

With that Yuzu deflated and sank to his knees.

“Yuzu…” Javi said gently, after a moment.

“I sorry!”

Javi shook his head.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry I pushed you to it.”

When Yuzu still wouldn’t lift his head up, Javi grasped his chin.

“Hey. Will you listen to my reply to that?”

“... of course...”

“I’m sorry I implied you shouldn’t be afraid. Of course, what you feel is what you feel. I’m sure you’ll be fine and I just wanted to take away some of that fear. Also, it’s not stupid that you don’t want me to retire. Nothing you feel is stupid. I’m also sorry if I ever gave you hopes we’ll do more competitions together. I knew Olympics would be last all along, but I didn’t think telling you would be a good idea. Coaching in Toronto… Brian has said the offer stands for as long as he’s in charge. To be honest, I haven’t decided yet. I would prefer doing it in Spain, but realistically, that won’t be very profitable. But also, can’t take up coaching full time until I’m done doing ice shows and competitions. And I can’t stop doing those just yet, because they bring in the attention and money. After next season, I’ll make some decisions about what to do, while also looking at up and coming skaters in Spain. I will always support them, but I have to see if there’s really any way I could help them. It’s true I have no coaching experience, so I might take up Brian on his offer and go practice coaching in Toronto. Maybe then he’ll let me assist him coaching you and I could end up in the Kiss and Cry. I had no idea you thought of that - I admit I never had - but now that you mentioned it, I’d love that.”

Javi paused for a bit, waiting to see if Yuzu would say anything, but he just continued looking away, so Javi sighed and let go of his chin. Looking up at the starry sky again, he started speaking again.

“About Continues… I’m sorry my absence hurt you so much. I’m going to be honest with you and say that aside from that sudden event, I didn’t actually want to go. But it’s nothing like you fear. I never found you to be clingy and although it confused the hell out of me, I was honored that you would show such a vulnerable side to me. That you would cry in my arms like that. That you trusted me enough to do that. The reason I didn’t want to go is because I felt out of place. You’re right, I can’t really understand why you put me on such a pedestal. I can understand you came to Toronto because of me, but you’ve surpassed me long ago. In fact, you’ve always been better than me. So I don’t understand it. A lot of people told me I was an idiot to refuse. That refusing the double Olympic Champion was career suicide. I knew it wouldn’t be and that you wouldn’t get revenge, because that’s not the kind of person you are. But I also thought, with all the other people there, you won’t even remember me. Then, there were considerably fewer than I expected and I realized a lot of people were otherwise engaged. And then I heard you’d gone ahead and printed merchandise with my name on it. I felt conflicted that you seemed so sure I would accept. Part annoyed and part honored. But also really guilty, especially towards the audience, so I agreed to do the live performance over the net. Then I was ashamed at the crappy performance, but you sounded so happy that I had to feel happy, too. And when I saw the videos I realized my being there - and not being there - meant so much more to you than I had imagined. So, for that, I am sorry. I am, however, happy that you decided to do the whole Fantasy tour. I’m happy we got to have some fun together again and I’m happy to see you steadily recovering from that injury and looking really happy, with no other pressing concerns, for the first time in quite a while. I’m also happy we got to have this talk. Maybe I’ll never truly understand why you feel like you do about me, but I think I do understand what you feel a bit better. Or at least how strongly you do. And I’ll try a bit harder not to hurt you, because I care about you, too. Ok?”

Yuzu nodded but stayed silent, still studying his lap.

Javi sighed.

“You’re shutting me out again.”

“No. Sorry. Just… thinking.”

“About?”

“Next season.”

“What about it?”

“You only do Japan Open and Europeans?”

“That’s the plan. And Spanish Nationals, probably.”

“But if win Nationals, not go to Worlds?”

“Well, it’d probably be best if I don’t go to Worlds.”

“Can Javi and Felipe get 2 spots?”

“Sadly no, they probably can’t.”

“But you can.”

“Yuzu… not again.”

“I’m sorry. I just… really want Javi at Worlds. Maybe if not compete, can ask Brian and come as assistant? Just for test… see how is, if really can learn…”

“Yuzu…”

“Please, try be there!”

“Why is it so important for me to be there? It’s in Japan anyway, it’ll be your time to shine.”

“Next season, I do quad axel.”

Javi snapped his head to look at him.

“What?!”

“I talk to Brian and he ok. Is stable in harness and after I go back, we start train properly. I do quad axel next season.”

“That’s… wow…”

“And after I do more than +3 quad axel, I retire.”

Javi snapped to look at him again.

“Not sure yet if retire at Worlds. But it perfect. If retire at Worlds… I want Javi there.”

“Yuzu…”

Yuzu turned back towards him and Javi could see the stars sparkle in the tears gathering in the champion’s eyes.

“I know is complicated and I understand why not, but please, try be there. Is last thing I ask!”

“Yuzu…”

Yuzu looked down again as the first tear spilled.

“Retire is really scary…” he whispered.

Javi closed his eyes and sighed, then reached over and pulled the younger man against him.

“It’s going to be ok. Even if you retire, you’ll still have so much to offer the figure skating world!” Javi whispered as Yuzu started sobbing softly against him.

“I don’t want to… everyone want me go to Beijing and win again…”

“I know. But they don’t know or don’t understand how much you’ve sacrificed already. You owe them nothing!”

“I know. But I want third gold, too.”

Javi chuckled.

“I know you do, you greedy little thing!”

“But I can’t…”

Javi sighed and held him more tightly.

“I know.”

He didn’t know the extent of damage Yuzu’s multiple injuries had caused. But he did know it was serious. He’d overheard stuff and more importantly, he’d seen Yuzu’s despair leading up to Pyeongchang, always quickly chased away by his iron will not to let his body fall apart until after he’d achieved his goals.

But he could only hold the inevitable at bay for so long.

And he was only 23… it was sacrilege to let him damage himself even more to try to go after a third gold!

“Yuzu, look at me.” Javi said as the sobs subsided, pushing Yuzu away just enough to look him in the eye. “Promise me you won’t be reckless in your quad axel quest and won’t take unnecessary risks. And in return, I’ll promise you I’ll be by your side when you decide to retire, one way or another, and help guide you through it, like a good sempai.”

“Javi…”

“Deal?”

Yuzu sniffed, but then nodded and smiled a bit, as his eyes filled with tears again, but Javi knew this time they were good tears.

“This is why I love Javi the most!”

“Love me, huh? So those fans got it right all along!” Javi teased and earned himself a punch in the arm. “It’s ok, you’re pretty damn lovable yourself!”

“Javi… can I make last confession?”

“That sounds creepy. What do you want to confess now?”

“I do love Javi. I don’t know if romantic. I never know romantic love. But not kidding when say Javi is most important, up there with family and coaches and choreographers. Sometimes above, because only Javi can really understand my skating life.”

“O… k…”

“I just… is that ok? Not make Javi feel… weird… or…”

“Oh, Yuzu. Didn’t I just tell you? Anything you feel is good. And don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. As long as you don’t act like crazy jealous women in telenovelas, there’s no problem, even if it is romantic. I’m just sorry I can’t return it if it is that.”

Yuzu shrugged.

“Is ok. Javi is nice enough, always. I just want you near. That all.”

“Yuzu…”

Yuzu shrugged again.

“Is not I want Javi kiss or have sex. So just be near and hug is enough.”

“... Sex huh?”

“Yes.”

“I feel like a part of me should feel a little offended that you love me but you don’t want to kiss or have sex with me…”

Yuzu chuckled.

“Why? Javi want have sex with me?”

“Wha…? No! I didn’t mean that!”

Yuzu pouted.

“Why? Why is sex with me so bad?”

“Ha?! Yuzu…”

Yuzu chuckled again.

“Just joke. Javi react funny to sex talk.”

“Actually the weirdest thing, I think, is hearing the word ‘sex’ come out of your mouth.”

Another chuckle.

“Do you know… in Japanese when people mean make love, they use word for hug?”

“What?”

“Miki never tell you? People say “I want hug you” when mean “I want make love to you”. And since I get Javi hugs a lot...”

Yuzu trailed off and Javi actually found himself blushing.

A chuckling Yiuzu turned to Javi, putting on a perfectly cute, pouting, begging puppy look.

“Will you please hug me, Javi?” he asked sweetly, batting his eyelashes.

Javi stared at him for a moment, before rolling his eyes and turning to face him as well, and pulling him into a hug.

“Oh my God, you are such a brat!”

Yuzu chuckled, but this time he literally snuggled up to Javi. Then sighed.

“Javi’s hugs are the best...”

Javi smiled.

“Yours are pretty awesome, too.”

“Please, Javi...”

“Please what?” Javi asked softly, matching Yuzu’s tone.

“Even if we meet rare, please never not hug me when we meet...”

“As if I could. I’m pretty sure your waist is a magnet for my hands.”

“Javi?”

“Yes?”

“Be serious.”

Javi sighed and buried his face in Yuzu’s soft hair, closing his eyes.

“I am serious. I could never not hug you. But if it helps, I will promise it, too. I will always hug you when we meet.”

“Thank you...”

“And...”

Yuzu pulled back a big, raising his face to meet Javi’s eyes, a question in his own.

“I want you to promise me something, too.”

“What? I already make one promise...”

“Well, I had already made one, too.”

Yuzu rolled his eyes, but smiled a bit.

“What promise, Javi?”

“If it ever does turn romantic, please let me know. I don’t want to hurt you by mistake or… you know...”

Yuzu studied him closely, staring into his eyes like he was looking through to Javi’s deepest, most hidden thoughts. Then he smiled a little wistfully and looked away.

“Ok.”

Somehow Javi knew what that reaction meant.

“Damn, Yuzu… you just promised and you’re already breaking it?”

Yuzu just sighed deeply.

“It is romantic, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yuzu...”

“I really don’t. I never date, never have romantic love, I don’t know. If I see relationship like movies, with date and stuff, I don’t want that. But then Javi friend first so I know. Don’t need date.”

“Ok...”

Yuzu sighed again.

“But… I did tell small lie...”

“What lie?”

“I do want kiss… sometime… not always. But sometime it feel like… easy. Natural. To kiss with Javi… But never happen.”

“Well… yeah… because we’re friends...”

Yuzu tilted his head.

“You always kiss friends.”

“On the cheek! It’s normal in Spain, you even kiss strangers on the cheek in Spain!”

Yuzu raised an eyebrow.

“How you know I don’t mean kiss on cheek?”

Javi spluttered a bit. Mostly because, although it had been pretty clear what Yuzu had meant and it had not been kisses on the cheek, he couldn’t really deny that he knew exactly what Yuzu meant. That sometimes their hugs had been so intimate it had seemed only natural to have them continue with kissing. Javi had always made sure not to allow that. For reasons he probably could not put in words properly.

“I did try to kiss you once!” Javi protested instead.

Eyeroll.

“In public, as joke. Don’t count.”

Javi took a deep breath, but before he could say anything, Yuzu interrupted.

“Relax, Javi. I don’t ask you kiss me. And kiss definitely not natural now.”

Javi sighed again, knowing he’d screwed this up.

“Look… I’ll tell you something, but I’m not sure if it won’t make things worse...”

“What is it?”

“Well… if I were single, I might… be open to trying something. Something... romantic. With you. Because I do care about you and the idea is far from repugnant… even though I always thought of myself as straight. But I’m not single. And you’re 23. So… I really hope you won’t hold back on finding someone who will truly love you as you deserve, because of me. I hope you won’t hold back on kissing other people or even having sex with them, because of me.”

“Not because of Javi. Maybe because of own feelings, but… is not that. I just not interested in other people.”

“That’s just your comfort zone, though. You should try stepping out of it a bit and see if maybe...”

“So Javi want me to date and sleep around?” Yuzu interrupted.

“No! I just don’t want you to miss out on things because it’s far more comfortable to cling to this platonic thing we have. Especially not if it’s in hopes I might someday want it to not be platonic. Because I might. Or I might not. But I don’t want you waiting for that.”

“I’m not. Before Javi say this, never even think Javi might want romantic relationship. But even now… I love you too much to think I wait for you to break up. I know you love girlfriend and I’m happy.”

“Are you really?”

Yuzu rolled his eyes.

“Yes!”

“I’m sorry… I just… if it were me, I’d be hurt if the person I love would love someone else.”

“You don’t get it. For six years, just be near Javi is enough. I don’t want more. Yes, maybe think of more some day, but that is just like… like sometime think I wish I were normal person. Or like… I wish I speak English well. Or like I wish I can teleport and not fly. Or like I want win every competition and land +5 GOE 4A. Is just wish that is unlikely or impossible or difficult. That why… only thing I ask, want and wish from Javi is be near. That is really enough. Anything else, if happen, is bonus.”

Javi sighed and nodded.

“Ok... I’ll try. Maybe we can also text or email… there are so many instant messaging apps… and you have a phone now. We can stay in touch.”

Yuzu smiled and nodded.

Javi cursed softly and pulled Yuzu into a hug again.

“Damn it, Yuzu… If you were anyone else, I’d think you did this on purpose. Letting me in so much, getting to know you so much better, on the last night we spend together...”

“Javi, we never really spend night together...”

Javi had to chuckle at that.

“Smartass. I just meant we have to say goodbye tomorrow and this now means I’ll definitely miss you a lot.”

“... we don’t have to...”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right...”

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“I did hope talk to Javi tonight, though...”

“You did?”

Yuzu nodded against Javi’s shoulder, where he’d rested his head.

“It’s pretty late… when were you going to do it?”

“In room.”

“Eh?”

“I ask Scott to change room. So can be in room with Javi tonight.”

“Ha?!”

“Bad idea?” Yuzu asked, biting his lip and peering up at Javi.

“Ah… no… just… surprising...”

“Sorry… I do without ask...”

“No, it’s ok. What did you want to talk about?”

“Wanted say sorry I never be real friend.”

“Oh, Yuzu…”

“Is ok. We already talk about.” Yuzu smiled. Then fidgeted with his pants a bit. “If… if you want, I think… Scott don’t mind move back… I can...”

“Don’t be stupid. I don’t mind rooming with you. It’s just weird we waited 6 years for this to happen.”

“Yeah… sorry...”

“Please stop apologizing.”

“... ok...”

“So… roomie… what do you want to do now?”

“Hmm… we could go back to room...”

“Ok...”

“And… play… videogames?”

“Oh, you feel like losing?” Javi grinned.

Yuzu rolled his eyes.

“I see Javi play Super Mario Kart in Nagano. Javi really suck at videogames.”

“Hey! It’s just that one game! I’m really good at the rest!”

Yuzu chuckled.

“Actually maybe sleep is better. We have last show tomorrow.”

“Yeah, you’re right...”

Silence. Then Yuzu in his most innocent voice, which should have spelled trouble if Javi hadn’t been too relaxed to notice.

“Javi stay here few more minutes.”

“Eh?”

“I go back to room and want some time to think.”

“Think? Think about what?”

“Javi hugging me… very embarrassing if Javi walk in in middle of thought...” Yuzu said a little breathily as he stood up and walked away.

Javi stared after him in confusion, before it finally clicked and he blushed furiously. Yuzu… going to… do… And then he realized the younger skater was just teasing him and no way would he ever do that in a shared room.

Groaning, Javi muttered to himself.

“Damn brat...”

Still, he couldn’t help smiling as he too stood up, carefully placing his slippers next to Yuzu’s, before making his way to their room.


End file.
